I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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