Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
