That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
