I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
