He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
