hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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