Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
