Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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