hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize