I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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