Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
