My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
