this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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