I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
