i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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