Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
