Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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