She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
