i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
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And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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