She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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