K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
