My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
