If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
