the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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