I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
