I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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