would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
