Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
