of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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