she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
