Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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