Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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