you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
