I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
