Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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