At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
