That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
