Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity