the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.