you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
