I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's Friday. Sex?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
