3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
