You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You are a genius and a whore.
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