shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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