is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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