Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
