I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
