Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
