Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
