I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
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he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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