Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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