The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
