my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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