I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
