Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
