How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
