I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
