i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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