grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
