im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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